Untitled Dialogue #1

Last night, as I lay in bed preparing for sleep, a bit of dialogue was running through my head, so I decided that I had better write it down to make sure it didn’t go away. 30 minutes later, I had this scene. Enjoy!

(Two men on a roof, standing by the edge and looking off into the distance. They are making no effort to conceal themselves.)

A: Yesterday some man on the street told me that I was ‘making a mockery’ of what I ‘stand for’. How can I make a mockery of it when I don’t even know what I stand for?

B: For that matter, how could he know what you stood for?

A: Exactly! Besides, I was just standing there.

B: Maybe you got him confused. Maybe he meant that you were making a mockery of what he stood for, id est, what he actually said was ‘You’re making a mockery of what I stand for!’

A: …No, no… that doesn’t sound right. In any case, I wasn’t mocking anything, I was just standing.

B: What if the act of standing was mockery in and of itself? Was he in a wheelchair? I could see how someone in a wheelchair might get sensitive about those sort of things… standing and the like.

A: No, no, he was standing perfectly well…. he was wearing pants, mind you, so he may have had a wooden leg under there, or prosthetics. It’s amazing… the things they can do with prosthetics.

B: Quite amazing. I saw a television special once…

A: Wait! Shh….

B: What?

A: Is that him?

B: Him… who?

A: You know… Him.

B: Is that… particular inflection and timbre of your voice meant to tell me something more than when you said it the first time?

A: …HIM.

B: Oh. You mean HIM. …It’s… hard to tell from here. Binoculars?

A: Here.

B: They’re all smudged. What did you do, look with your fingers?

A: Never mind that. Is it Him?

B: Decidedly not. It is a woman with a cocker-spaniel.

A: A cocker-spaniel?

B: Decidedly.

A: How could I confuse the two?

B: It’s quite a far distance.

A: No, no, that is unacceptable.

B: Also, it’s foggy and… the fog is… omnipresent as well as being rather greenish. Decidedly sinister.

A: Why do you keep saying ‘decidedly’?

B: It’s a good word. I’m trying to return it to popular use.

A: Ah.

B: Hmm?

A: I said ‘Ah’. I really have no other response than that. Simply ‘Ah’.

B: Ah.

A: We were talking about something, weren’t we?

B: Him!

A: What?

B: Him! Over there! Here, take a look!

(Hands him the binoculars.)

A: Yes! It’s Him!

B: Excellent! Hand me the gun.

A: Gun. Check.

B: Loaded?

A: Just now.

B: Keep an eye on him. Is anyone watching?

A: The streets are clear. Completely.

B: Alright. One. Two. Three, and….

(A shot.)

A: …Nicely done.

B: Thank you.

A: Took the top of his head right off, I think.

B: He was wearing a hat.

A: Well, yes, but there was a lot of blood.

B: Let me see.

A: Here.

B: Mmmm. Decidedly so.

A: Has anyone seen?

B: No. The streets are completely clear, just like you said.

A: Well, I mean… someone will notice soon enough, won’t they?

B: I suppose so.

(A pause.)

A: How long should we give it?

B: Give what?

A: Well, I mean… how long should we wait?

B: Wait until what? You’re being much too vague!

A: …I’ll vague you!

B: …You’re being entirely senseless.

A: It was a threat nonetheless. Think about it further and you’ll find the threat.

B: Find the threat! Hah!

(A pause.)

A: I think it would be terrible.

B: What, dying? Most likely.

A: Well, yes and no. Dying would be bad, but dying alone with no-one to notice would be worse.

(A pause.)

B: We noticed.

A: Take us out of the equation.

B: Well, yes, that sum comes out to zero.

A: Zero. Exactly.

(A pause.)

A: Perhaps we should tell someone.

B: Tell someone?

A: Well, we could make a discreet call…

B: If we give it enough time, someone will come along and notice. These are busy streets.

A: Really? Busy streets?

B: Well…

A: If these are busy streets, why is he the second person we’ve seen in three hours?

B: It must be an off day. Is it a holiday, perhaps?

A: If it was a holiday, I think we’d know.

B: We never get holidays.

A: Well, yes… that’s why we’d know. We’d be keenly aware of the fact that we were not, as it were, on holiday, when, well… you know… everyone else in the bleeding universe was.

B: Universe?

A: Maybe not. How about ‘principality’?

B: That word has an antiquated sound to it.

(A pause.)

B: In any case, he is dead, and we are not, and I am ready for my sandwich.

A: Oh.

B: Oh?

A: The sandwiches. I…

B: Come on, out with it!

A: I seem to have left them in the car. I’m terribly sorry.

B: (Sighs.) Well, we’ll just have to go and get them, I suppose.

(He begins to get up.)

A: Look!

B: What?

A: That woman with the cocker-spaniel! She’s discovered the body!

B: (Looks through binoculars.) Half-right. Someone has discovered the body, but it’s a man in a priest uniform.

A: A priest?

B: It’s too early for Halloween, so… signs point to maybe.

A: A priest! Fancy that!

B: Ahem. Sandwiches…

A: Fine. Hand me the gun, will you?

(They start collecting their things and begin heading towards the exit.)

B: We’ll just have to climb right back up here, you know.

A: You don’t have to remind me. My knee is already acting up from this morning!

B: I thought that meant rain?

A: It has many meanings. None of them clear.

B: Inscrutable.

A: Quite.

(They exit.)